When Divorce Hits Your Group

Walking with Couples Considering Divorce

adapted from an article by North Point Ministries

If you are leading a married couples group, chances are your group will include couples that are either considering divorce, or have already taken steps toward divorce. When this happens, the resulting effects on the group can evoke a plethora of emotions: fear, anxiety, confusion, anger, etc. Questions like, "Can they do this and stay in the group?" or "How can we come alongside them during this time?" will need answers.

As a leader, your desire is to empower the group to love and support the couple during such a difficult time.  There is no set formula for doing this because each situation is unique, but there are some practical guidelines that will help you prepare yourself and your group to effectively minister to couples facing divorce.

Initiate a Meeting.

This could be a private meeting with you, your spouse, and the couple.  (North Point suggests possibly a group meeting, however their small groups are all closed, meaning that once they start no new people come in for 18 months until the group divides.  That gives their groups a different dynamic where a group meeting might be more feasible with the couple.  But it might be the right thing depending on your group's make up.)

Once the meeting has been set and you are together (men with the men and women with the women), assess the husband and wife’s attitude about the situation by asking some probing questions.  Here are a few examples:

• What would you say are the major issues?
• What would your spouse say are the major issues?
• In your opinion, when did the problems begin?
• What is your expectation of the future?
• Do you want help?
• How can we support you during this time?
• Would you consider reconciliation?
• What would it take to reconcile?

Each spouses responses may be quiet different, or may be very similar. Either way, taking the time to listen and understand where each individual is coming from relationally, emotionally, and spiritually will provide much needed information on how to move forward.

If they consent to meet this way, it is essential to create a safe, caring environment.   The same is true if they continue to meet in your Group while you try to help them.  

In preparation, encourage the group members to ask themselves the following questions:

• Am I willing to accept these two people where they are, not where I think they ought to be?
• Do I believe that restoration is possible and can I manifest a hopeful attitude toward their situation?
• Am I willing to listen and ask questions in order to better understand the situation, even if I never get to give my own opinion?
• Can I forego making premature judgments?
• Do I understand the balance between God's truth and God's grace when it comes to divorce?
• Am I willing to believe the best about both individuals?
• Do I have the endurance and capacity to stay involved with this couple, even though the issues may take a long time to work through?
• Are my boundaries clear about God's role and my role as the couple moves forward with their decision?
•  Have I relinquished control over trying to "fix" this marriage, and do I understand that is God's responsibility?

Address Practical Needs

·         Another necessary step your group should take is to assess what the couple’s needs are on a practical level.  Some questions to ask include:

• Are there any childcare needs that have arisen as a result of this decision?
•  Would providing meals be helpful?
•  Is the couple in financial distress and in need of assistance?
• Would they agree to meet with a counselor (if not together, then individually)?
• If they are not willing to meet with a counselor, would they agree to meet with a trained lay person?
• Would they be willing to work through a specific curriculum or materials geared toward couples in crisis?